Holy Shit!

This gives new meaning to the old joke “If I had a dog as ugly as you I’d shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.” This seems like an obvious Photoshop job to me, but it’s one of the most funny things I’ve seen…ever.

dog ass jesus

Gefiltefish Messiah

For some reason, it’s usually Jesus, or the Virgin Mary that shows up. But, just to keep things interesting, the Orthodox Jews bring this tasty morsel…if you like gefiltefish. What makes this one fun, is there really is a part of Jewish mystic belief that tells of the Messiah coming back to earth as a fish.

Word is made flesh as God reveals himself… as a fish

Edward Helmore New York
Sunday March 16, 2003
The Observer

An obscure Jewish sect in New York has been gripped in awe by what it believes to be a mystical visitation by a 20lb carp that was heard shouting in Hebrew, in what many Jews worldwide are hailing as a modern miracle.

Many of the 7,000-member Skver sect of Hasidim in New Square, 30 miles north of Manhattan, believe God has revealed himself in fish form.

According to two fish-cutters at the New Square Fish Market, the carp was about to be slaughtered and made into gefilte fish for Sabbath dinner when it suddenly began shouting apocalyptic warnings in Hebrew.

Many believe the carp was channelling the troubled soul of a revered community elder who recently died; others say it was God. The only witnesses to the mystical show were Zalmen Rosen, a 57-year-old Hasid with 11 children, and his co-worker, Luis Nivelo. They say that on 28 January at 4pm they were about to club the carp on the head when it began yelling.

Nivelo, a Gentile who does not understand Hebrew, was so shocked at the sight of a fish talking in any language that he fell over. He ran into the front of the store screaming: ‘It’s the Devil! The Devil is here!’ Then the shop owner heard it shouting warnings and commands too.

‘It said “Tzaruch shemirah” and “Hasof bah”,’ he told the New York Times, ‘which essentially means that everyone needs to account for themselves because the end is near.’

The animated carp commanded Rosen to pray and study the Torah. Rosen tried to kill the fish but injured himself. It was finally butchered by Nivelo and sold.

However, word spread far and wide and Nivelo complains he has been plagued by phone calls from as far away as London and Israel. The story has since been amplified by repetition and some now believe the fish’s outburst was a warning about the dangers of the impending war in Iraq.

Some say they fear the born-again President Bush believes he is preparing the world for the Second Coming of Christ, and war in Iraq is just the opening salvo in the battle of Armageddon.

Local resident Abraham Spitz said: ‘Two men do not dream the same dream. It is very rare that God reminds people he exists in this modern world. But when he does, you cannot ignore it.’

Others in New Square discount the apocalyptic reading altogether and suggest the notion of a talking fish is as fictional as Tony Soprano’s talking-fish dream in an episode of The Sopranos .

Stand-up comedians have already incorporated the carp into their comedy routines at weddings. One gefilte company has considered changing it’s slogan to: ‘Our fish speaks for itself.’

Still, the shouting carp corresponds with the belief of some Hasidic sects that righteous people can be reincarnated as fish. They say that Nivelo may have been selected because he is not Jewish, but a weary Nivelo told the New York Times : ‘I wish I never said anything about it. I’m getting so many calls every day, I’ve stopped answering. Israel, London, Miami, Brooklyn. They all want to hear about the talking fish.’

A devout Christian, he still thinks the carp was the Devil. ‘I don’t believe any of this Jewish stuff. But I heard that fish talk.’

He’s grown tired of the whole thing. ‘It’s just a big headache for me,’ he added. ‘I pull my phone out of the wall at night. I don’t sleep and I’ve lost weight.’

Holy Potato Salad

Jesus in a potatoI think what makes this one so priceless is that they ATE THE POTATO! What’s next…a talking fish…oh wait…that’s already happened.

MARION COUNTY, Fla. — A Florida pastor discovered food for the soul, and a sign from God, in an unlikely place — a potato.

Pastor Renee Brewster reluctantly started making potato salad for church but was not entirely comfortable doing it, as Sister Frankie normally makes the dish. So she asked God for a sign, MyFoxOrlando.com reports.

“I was hesitant about making the potato salad because Sister Frankie makes the potato salad at church and I said, ‘Lord, if it’s not for me to make potato salad then send me a sign.’”

Next she cut in half a potato and discovered it looked rotten. She only took a second look after her 10-year-old granddaughter said she saw an image of Jesus Christ on the Cross in the split potato.

On closer inspection, she saw the image, as well.

“That’s Jesus on the Cross. Just looking at it I don’t have to convince,” Brewster said.

She froze the potato heart and used the rest to make the salad, which was served during the weekly rescue mission.

Said Brewster: “I just want people to know God is still as real today as he was back then and he can show up anytime he gets ready.”

Source: MyFoxOrlando.com

The Virgin of Spumoni

Melting ice cream is thought to be the Virgin MaryThis is what started it all. Melting ice cream…what’s next…a dogs ass?

Ice cream stain thought to be image of Virgin of Guadalupe

Houston (AP) – They’ve come from far and wide, clutching rosaries and cameras, jostling to peer through the afternoon heat at an improbable shrine on the cement floor of a Houston apartment complex.

In the midst of wilting roses, candles and crosses, they say, the Virgin of Guadalupe, reveals herself to the faithful in an amorphous stain of melted ice cream.

To unfaithful eyes, the crusty smear looks about as earthshaking as, well, a melted popsicle. But ecstatic believers swear they can discern the form of the beloved Mexican idol.

The ice cream was disintegrating fast this week, though someone has placed a glass pane over the smear and hemmed the makeshift frame with duct tape in the the hopes of preserving the image.

The uproar began Monday, when residents picked out the brilliant robes of the Mexican saint in the sticky swirls at the foot of a soda machine. Word spread, and there have been 500 to 800 onlookers from as far away as Miami, Seattle and Canada, said apartment manager Maria Cervantes.