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Seven in Ten Americans Now Believe Trump Is Not Actually Religious, Up Eight Points Since He Started the Holy War

A new Pew Research Center survey finds that 70 percent of Americans believe Donald Trump is “not too” or “not at all” religious — a figure that has risen eight percentage points since fall 2024. This is notable on its own terms, but it becomes considerably more interesting when you consider that the same period covers an AI image of Trump as a Christ-like figure posted to his social media, a Secretary of Defense quoting scripture at Pentagon briefings, military commanders allegedly telling soldiers that Trump was anointed by Jesus to trigger the Apocalypse, and a formal fight with the Pope.

Somehow, all of this religious signaling has resulted in fewer Americans thinking Trump is religious. This is either a devastating indictment of the signaling strategy or a sign that the American public is quietly more theologically sophisticated than generally assumed. Possibly both.

The Daily Beast, in a piece published this year, argued that Trump’s “God-talk is actually turning America off religion” more broadly — that associating faith with political theater is causing people to reconsider the whole enterprise. NPR ran a piece titled “Christians are having a Trump-sized reckoning.” Conservative Catholics, according to Religion News Service, are becoming disillusioned at accelerating speed, particularly following the pope conflict.

In a stunning twist, the most effective argument against American theocracy may turn out to be watching someone attempt to build one in real time. File this under Rational Thought, with the caveat that we’re grading on a steep curve.

All of this actually happened. Pew Research confirmed it, and their methodology is above reproach.

Congress Demands Investigation After Officers Report Being Told Trump Was Anointed by Jesus to Start Armageddon

More than two dozen Democratic members of Congress have formally requested an investigation into the Department of Defense after uniformed officers filed a complaint alleging that military commanders told them President Trump was “anointed by Jesus to light the signal fire in Iran to cause Armageddon and mark his return to Earth.”

That sentence was written by congressional representatives, in an official letter, to the Secretary of Defense, about complaints from active-duty military officers. About their commanding officers. About the thing those commanding officers said.

The legislators want to know if the DOD is being used to advance a specific eschatological agenda. This is now a thing that legislators have to ask. They are asking it in writing. There is a paper trail.

It is worth pausing here to appreciate the extraordinary nature of what it means that “please investigate whether our military thinks it is participating in the literal biblical end times” is a request that had to be made formally, through official channels, by members of the United States Congress.

The investigation has been requested. Whether the DOD will investigate itself for believing it is enacting prophecy remains to be seen. Armageddon, traditionally, does not include a strongly worded oversight letter. But we live in novel times.

All of this actually happened. Military.com confirmed it.

Pope Leo Tells the White House: God Does Not Bless Wars. The White House Has Concerns.

In a move that would have seemed unremarkable in most of recorded history but feels somehow radical in 2026, the Pope said that God doesn’t bless wars. Specifically, Pope Leo wrote: “Woe to those who manipulate religion and the very name of God for their own military, economic, and political gain, dragging that which is sacred into darkness and filth.” He called for peace in the Middle East and insisted that “God does not bless any conflict.”

The White House, whose Secretary of Defense has been crediting divine providence with Iran war victories and quoting Psalms at press briefings, has not formally replied to the Pope’s theological position. This is not because they agree. CNN ran a piece on “the GOP’s double standard on the pope.” Analysis pieces appeared. Things were tense.

It is worth noting, for the record, that the leader of the Catholic Church — an institution with a complicated personal history on the subject of wars it has blessed — looked at the current situation and said, in so many words, “No. Stop. God is not doing this.” This constitutes, in the GCJ editorial view, an act of rational thought, however relative that designation has become.

The struggle between sacred and secular power is, as scholars note, roughly a thousand years old. It’s nice to see it’s still getting the attention it deserves in what used to be the news cycle.

We did not make this up. Middle East Eye has the receipts.

Jesus Appears in the Clouds Above Philippine Church Right After Mass, Timing Suspiciously Perfect

Eight thousand people showed up to light candles and pray at a basilica in the Philippines, and then something happened in the sky that either proves everything or proves nothing, depending on your priors.

Just after Mass concluded — and the timing here really cannot be overstated — a cloud formation appeared above the church that Catholic devotees immediately recognized as the figure of Jesus Christ. Photos and video went viral. The crowd, already in a heightened spiritual state due to the candles and the praying and the 8,000 other people, took this as a sign.

Scientists have a word for this: pareidolia. The human brain is exceptionally good at finding faces in random patterns. We see faces in toast, in wood grain, in the moon, in the popcorn ceiling of every dentist’s office. The brain doesn’t distinguish between a real face and a suggestive cumulus formation. It just pattern-matches and sends the “face detected” signal up the chain.

Whether this was Jesus or a particularly evocative weather event, 8,000 people were there, they all saw it together, and for them it meant something. That’s the part that’s genuinely hard to explain with pareidolia alone.

The clouds have since dispersed. The candles presumably burned down. Nobody got a follow-up comment from the formation.

Don’t take our word for it: The Mirror has the full story. It’s exactly as described.

Two Florida Men Transported a Dead Alligator on the Roof of Their Car, Having Apparently Considered Their Options

Anthony Buhl, 56, and March Chadwick, 57, were stopped by law enforcement in Florida while driving with a dead alligator on the roof of their vehicle. Upon being questioned, the pair explained that they had covered the animal with a sheet after learning — mid-transport, one presumes — that possessing an alligator is illegal in Florida.

Let’s walk through the decision tree here. Step one: acquire dead alligator. Step two: begin driving it somewhere. Step three: discover that this is illegal. Step four: place a sheet over it and continue driving. At no point in this sequence did either man suggest pulling over, disposing of the alligator, or reconsidering the plan from the beginning. The sheet, apparently, was the solution.

Florida has a great many laws about alligators. This is because Florida has a great many alligators. The two populations — humans and alligators — have been engaged in a long, complicated relationship in which the humans keep doing things like this and the alligators keep wandering into Walmarts and backyard pools. The system, such as it is, continues to function.

Buhl and Chadwick are awaiting arraignment. The alligator, already deceased, has no further comment.

Don’t take our word for it: News of the Weird has the full story. It is exactly as described.

Florida Man Brings Axe to Car Wash Dispute, Meets His Match in an 18-Year-Old Employee

Customer service can be a thankless job. The hours are long, the pay is modest, and occasionally a man named Bryce Thayer shows up at closing time with an axe.

This is precisely what happened at the Tidal Wave Car Wash in Ocala, Florida, on March 8, 2026. Thayer, 36, arrived just as employees were shutting things down and became agitated when they declined to wash his car. Agitated enough, apparently, to retrieve an axe and brandish it in a threatening manner.

What Thayer apparently failed to account for was that one of the car wash employees was an 18-year-old with MMA training who was also a military recruit. This young man lunged at Thayer, forced him to the ground, and held him there while a second employee removed the axe. Deputies arrived, searched Thayer, and found drug paraphernalia on him, because of course they did.

Thayer was arrested. The car wash presumably opened the next morning. The employee who body-slammed an axe-wielding grown man and then went back to wiping down windshields is having a better Monday than most of us.

Florida’s service industry remains undefeated.

We did not make this up. Click Orlando has the receipts.

Soldiers Were Reportedly Told Trump Was Anointed by Jesus to Start Armageddon. Congress Has Some Follow-Up Questions.

More than two dozen Democratic members of Congress have formally requested an investigation into claims that U.S. military commanders painted the Iran war as rooted in Christian biblical prophecy — specifically, that non-commissioned officers were told that President Donald Trump was “anointed by Jesus to light the signal fire in Iran to cause Armageddon.” That sentence was written by actual people, in an actual complaint, sent to actual government oversight bodies. In 2026.

The complaint did not emerge in a vacuum. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has described military strikes as being carried out “under divine providence,” quoted imprecatory Psalms asking God to “break the teeth of the ungodly,” and described the Iran war as a “gift to the world.” The Guardian produced an interactive feature on Hegseth’s “holy war” theology. Foreign Policy ran a piece titled “Hegseth’s Divine War.” These are not opinion blogs. These are journals that used to cover things like NATO.

The lawmakers want the Department of Defense investigated. They want answers about whether constitutional boundaries between religion and government are being respected by the people currently running the military. They used the word “Armageddon” in official correspondence. They did not do so lightly.

We are, it should be noted, a humor blog. We are genuinely unsure whether this item belongs here or in a different category entirely. We’re going to go with Sightings — specifically, the sighting of a cabinet official who believes God has personally commissioned the United States Armed Forces for the End of Days.

All of this actually happened. Military.com has the full story, and it does not get less strange on a second read.

Pope Tells Pete Hegseth: God Is Not Listening to Your War Prayers, Actually

Pope Leo XIV, the first American pope and a Chicago-born Augustinian friar, has apparently been following the news. And he has some notes for Pete Hegseth.

During Palm Sunday Mass at St. Peter’s Square, the pope addressed — without naming names, though the names were very clearly named — the recent trend of invoking God’s favor for military violence. “Jesus, King of Peace, who rejects war, whom no one can use to justify war,” Leo said. “He does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, but rejects them.” He added that God refuses the prayers of leaders who have “hands full of blood.”

This was delivered roughly five days after Hegseth held a Pentagon prayer service in which he asked God to deliver enemies to “eternal damnation” and ensure that every military round “find its mark.” The pope did not specifically mention Hegseth. He didn’t have to.

The spectacle of a Chicago man becoming pope and then immediately having to correct the U.S. Secretary of Defense’s theology is not something anyone had on their 2026 bingo card. And yet here we are, watching the Vicar of Christ deploy a Palm Sunday homily like a very pointed subtweet.

The pope also called on Trump to find an “off-ramp” to end the Iran war. The White House did not immediately respond.

All of this actually happened. PBS NewsHour confirmed it.

Jesus Appears in the Clouds Above a Philippine Basilica. Scientists Suggest It May Be a Cloud.

Devotees attending Mass at the Basilica Minore of Our Lady of Penafrancia in Naga City, Philippines were treated to what many are calling a miracle: a cloud formation, visible in the sky immediately after the service ended, that appeared to bear the face and figure of Jesus Christ. Photographs and videos went viral. Worshippers sang. Hearts were moved.

The Catholic Church, to its credit, has clarified that the sighting cannot be officially declared an apparition or miracle without a thorough investigation. The Church has been doing this for centuries now, and their hit rate on confirming miracles hovers somewhere around “not very high,” which says something either about rigorous theological standards or about clouds.

Scientists, meanwhile, have proposed that what the crowd witnessed may have been pareidolia — a well-documented psychological phenomenon in which the human brain, desperate to find patterns it recognizes, conjures familiar faces out of random visual noise. In other words: your brain is so committed to seeing faces that it will manufacture them in toast, wood grain, water stains, and, apparently, cumulonimbus formations over Filipino basilicas.

This does not make the moment less beautiful for those who experienced it. It simply means that God, if He wanted to appear in the sky above a church right after Mass, chose to do so in a way indistinguishable from a weather pattern. Which, honestly, tracks.

We did not make this up. The Mirror has the photos, and you can judge for yourself.

Thousands Flee Daytona Beach in Stampede Caused Entirely by Someone Crushing a Water Bottle

Spring break at Daytona Beach is, by design, not a place where calm prevails. But this past March, the chaos reached new heights when thousands of people stampeded across the beach in full panic mode, convinced a mass shooting was underway. Police, deputies, and onlookers scrambled. It was chaos.

Volusia County Sheriff Mike Chitwood would like you to know that there were zero gunshots. What there was, was a person deliberately crushing a water bottle to make it sound like a gunshot. For the express purpose of causing a stampede. Which worked.

“What they were doing was crushing a water bottle to make it sound like a gunshot to stampede the crowd,” Chitwood said, in the flattest possible tone a Florida sheriff has ever used to describe anything. More than 50 deputies were in the middle of the crowd at the time. None of them heard a gun. They did, presumably, hear a water bottle.

133 people were arrested at Daytona Beach and New Smyrna Beach during the Spring Break stretch, though it’s not entirely clear how many of them were responsible for the Great Water Bottle Incident versus just being Florida in March.

Nobody was hurt. The water bottle was not available for comment.

Don’t take our word for it: FOX 35 Orlando has the full story. It’s exactly as described.