Pope Leo XIV Tells Trump and Hegseth That God Does Not Bless Conflicts

In a remarkable act of institutional self-preservation, the Catholic Church has issued a formal rebuke of the United States government’s claim that God is a co-belligerent in the Iran war. Pope Leo XIV, who is both the head of the world’s largest Christian denomination and apparently the only person left who has read the source material, stated plainly: “God does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war.”

He later clarified: “God does not bless any conflict.”

This came in direct response to Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Defense, who has been describing the war in Iran as a mission of divine purpose, and Donald Trump, who at an Easter press conference — on Easter — said “God is good” in reference to the bombing campaign. Hegseth called a rescued pilot “reborn” on the day Christians celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ, a metaphor that everyone present apparently let slide.

The Pope, for his part, has been consistent. He described threats to destroy Iranian civilization as “unacceptable.” He has repeatedly called for de-escalation. He is, at this point, doing more to represent the teachings of Jesus Christ than the people who claim Jesus told them to start this war.

This is what passes for Rational Thought in 2026: the Pope has to tell the American government that God does not have a preferred outcome in their bombing campaign. We are all doing great.

All of this actually happened. The Irish Star confirmed it, and God bless them for covering it.

U.S. Military Commanders Tell Troops God Anointed Trump to Start Armageddon

According to a formal complaint filed with a military watchdog group in early 2026, a U.S. military commander told his combat unit — men and women with guns and aircraft and the capacity to start or end things — that “President Trump has been anointed by Jesus to light the signal fire in Iran to cause Armageddon and mark his return to Earth.”

This was at a briefing. Before a mission. In the actual military of the United States of America.

The Military Religious Freedom Foundation, which apparently needs to exist, reports receiving more than 200 complaints from service members across more than 50 military installations describing commanders who are framing the Iran war as the fulfillment of Christian biblical prophecy. More than two dozen members of Congress have called for an investigation into the Department of Defense over the claims.

To be clear about what is happening here: active military commanders are telling enlisted service members, in a theater of war, that they are personally participating in the End Times. The good news is that Jesus is reportedly rooting for them. The bad news is everything else about this sentence.

Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Defense and open evangelical Christian nationalist, has recast military leadership in his image. He described a pilot rescued on Easter Sunday as being “reborn.” Trump, at a press conference, said of the war: “God is good.” The Pope disagrees.

We did not make this up. The Intercept has the full story. It keeps going.

Orlando CEO Named His Company “Goliath Ventures,” Stole $328 Million

Christopher Alexander Delgado, 34, CEO of Goliath Ventures — formerly known as Gen Z Venture Firm, because there are layers to this — was arrested in early 2026 for allegedly running a $328 million crypto Ponzi scheme out of Orlando. He promised investors guaranteed monthly returns of 3 to 8 percent from cryptocurrency liquidity pools. He delivered: a $3.2 million home in Winter Park, an $8.5 million mansion in Isleworth, and frequent company-sponsored parties.

The parties were for investors. The mansions were not.

Prosecutors say Delgado was using new investor money to pay old investors, a scheme that has been illegal since at least Charles Ponzi, the man it is named after, who also thought he had a foolproof plan. Delgado apparently did not read to the end of that story.

What makes this especially Florida is that Delgado was, by most accounts, well-known in Central Florida for his philanthropy. He gave to charities. He held press events. He issued frequent press releases about his own generosity. He also, allegedly, stole $328 million. These things coexist in Florida in a way they don’t in other places.

He faces up to 30 years in federal prison, which is technically longer than most crypto cycles.

Don’t take our word for it: CoinDesk has the full story. It’s exactly as described.

Florida Man Tests Chick-fil-A’s “My Pleasure” Policy at the Drive-Thru

The Flagler County Sheriff’s Office arrested 33-year-old Luke Dudkewic in May 2026 after a teenage Chick-fil-A employee reported that while handing him his food through the drive-thru window, she noticed his genitals were exposed — along with, and we cannot stress this enough, a “blueish-green circular object” that she identified as a sex toy.

Dudkewic claims it was accidental. He has not explained the accessory.

Upon his release on a $10,000 bond, the court issued him two conditions: no contact with minors, and — this is a real legal order that now exists — he is prohibited from using any drive-thru facilities. Somewhere right now, Luke Dudkewic is parking his car and walking inside like the rest of us.

Chick-fil-A, for their part, has not commented. Their corporate motto is “My Pleasure.” We will not be making that joke.

It’s worth noting that this is not the first time someone has tried to start a fight — or something — at a Florida Chick-fil-A. The franchise has become something of a proving ground for bad decisions made by men who have confused a fast food restaurant for a venue that will tolerate them.

All of this actually happened. FlaglerLive confirmed it, and they seemed just as tired as we are.

Florida Man Blows Fentanyl in Deputy’s Face, Claims It’s Sugar

Jesse James McAuliffe of Ocala, Florida — a man whose name contains both a famous outlaw and a Chick-fil-A employee — was arrested outside a Publix in May 2026 after he blew a bottle cap full of fentanyl directly into a deputy’s face. His stated defense: it was sugar.

To be fair, fentanyl does rhyme with “something you would never blow into a law enforcement officer’s face outside a grocery store.” The analogy ends there.

Deputies had blocked in McAuliffe’s car after spotting what they describe as “signs of drug use” — specifically, a needle tie-off dangling from his arm and syringes in the vehicle. When they found a bag of powder in his pocket, McAuliffe offered the sugar explanation. When they found a melted-down bottle cap of fentanyl in the next pocket, he stopped explaining things and started blowing.

The deputy is reportedly fine. McAuliffe is reportedly in jail facing charges of evidence tampering, possession of fentanyl, and one imagines a complete absence of dessert privileges.

Florida has a lot of ways to say “please don’t search my pockets.” This was the worst one.

We did not make this up. Click Orlando has the receipts.

Seven in Ten Americans Now Believe Trump Is Not Actually Religious, Up Eight Points Since He Started the Holy War

A new Pew Research Center survey finds that 70 percent of Americans believe Donald Trump is “not too” or “not at all” religious — a figure that has risen eight percentage points since fall 2024. This is notable on its own terms, but it becomes considerably more interesting when you consider that the same period covers an AI image of Trump as a Christ-like figure posted to his social media, a Secretary of Defense quoting scripture at Pentagon briefings, military commanders allegedly telling soldiers that Trump was anointed by Jesus to trigger the Apocalypse, and a formal fight with the Pope.

Somehow, all of this religious signaling has resulted in fewer Americans thinking Trump is religious. This is either a devastating indictment of the signaling strategy or a sign that the American public is quietly more theologically sophisticated than generally assumed. Possibly both.

The Daily Beast, in a piece published this year, argued that Trump’s “God-talk is actually turning America off religion” more broadly — that associating faith with political theater is causing people to reconsider the whole enterprise. NPR ran a piece titled “Christians are having a Trump-sized reckoning.” Conservative Catholics, according to Religion News Service, are becoming disillusioned at accelerating speed, particularly following the pope conflict.

In a stunning twist, the most effective argument against American theocracy may turn out to be watching someone attempt to build one in real time. File this under Rational Thought, with the caveat that we’re grading on a steep curve.

All of this actually happened. Pew Research confirmed it, and their methodology is above reproach.

Congress Demands Investigation After Officers Report Being Told Trump Was Anointed by Jesus to Start Armageddon

More than two dozen Democratic members of Congress have formally requested an investigation into the Department of Defense after uniformed officers filed a complaint alleging that military commanders told them President Trump was “anointed by Jesus to light the signal fire in Iran to cause Armageddon and mark his return to Earth.”

Congress Demands Investigation After Officers Report Being Told Trump Was Anointed by Jesus to Start Armageddon

That sentence was written by congressional representatives, in an official letter, to the Secretary of Defense, about complaints from active-duty military officers. About their commanding officers. About the thing those commanding officers said.

The legislators want to know if the DOD is being used to advance a specific eschatological agenda. This is now a thing that legislators have to ask. They are asking it in writing. There is a paper trail.

It is worth pausing here to appreciate the extraordinary nature of what it means that “please investigate whether our military thinks it is participating in the literal biblical end times” is a request that had to be made formally, through official channels, by members of the United States Congress.

The investigation has been requested. Whether the DOD will investigate itself for believing it is enacting prophecy remains to be seen. Armageddon, traditionally, does not include a strongly worded oversight letter. But we live in novel times.

All of this actually happened. Military.com confirmed it.

Pope Leo Tells the White House: God Does Not Bless Wars. The White House Has Concerns.

In a move that would have seemed unremarkable in most of recorded history but feels somehow radical in 2026, the Pope said that God doesn’t bless wars. Specifically, Pope Leo wrote: “Woe to those who manipulate religion and the very name of God for their own military, economic, and political gain, dragging that which is sacred into darkness and filth.” He called for peace in the Middle East and insisted that “God does not bless any conflict.”

The White House, whose Secretary of Defense has been crediting divine providence with Iran war victories and quoting Psalms at press briefings, has not formally replied to the Pope’s theological position. This is not because they agree. CNN ran a piece on “the GOP’s double standard on the pope.” Analysis pieces appeared. Things were tense.

It is worth noting, for the record, that the leader of the Catholic Church — an institution with a complicated personal history on the subject of wars it has blessed — looked at the current situation and said, in so many words, “No. Stop. God is not doing this.” This constitutes, in the GCJ editorial view, an act of rational thought, however relative that designation has become.

The struggle between sacred and secular power is, as scholars note, roughly a thousand years old. It’s nice to see it’s still getting the attention it deserves in what used to be the news cycle.

We did not make this up. Middle East Eye has the receipts.

Jesus Appears in the Clouds Above Philippine Church Right After Mass, Timing Suspiciously Perfect

Eight thousand people showed up to light candles and pray at a basilica in the Philippines, and then something happened in the sky that either proves everything or proves nothing, depending on your priors.

Jesus Appears in the Clouds Above Philippine Church Right After Mass, Timing Suspiciously Perfect

Just after Mass concluded — and the timing here really cannot be overstated — a cloud formation appeared above the church that Catholic devotees immediately recognized as the figure of Jesus Christ. Photos and video went viral. The crowd, already in a heightened spiritual state due to the candles and the praying and the 8,000 other people, took this as a sign.

Scientists have a word for this: pareidolia. The human brain is exceptionally good at finding faces in random patterns. We see faces in toast, in wood grain, in the moon, in the popcorn ceiling of every dentist’s office. The brain doesn’t distinguish between a real face and a suggestive cumulus formation. It just pattern-matches and sends the “face detected” signal up the chain.

Whether this was Jesus or a particularly evocative weather event, 8,000 people were there, they all saw it together, and for them it meant something. That’s the part that’s genuinely hard to explain with pareidolia alone.

The clouds have since dispersed. The candles presumably burned down. Nobody got a follow-up comment from the formation.

Don’t take our word for it: The Mirror has the full story. It’s exactly as described.

Two Florida Men Transported a Dead Alligator on the Roof of Their Car, Having Apparently Considered Their Options

Anthony Buhl, 56, and March Chadwick, 57, were stopped by law enforcement in Florida while driving with a dead alligator on the roof of their vehicle. Upon being questioned, the pair explained that they had covered the animal with a sheet after learning — mid-transport, one presumes — that possessing an alligator is illegal in Florida.

Let’s walk through the decision tree here. Step one: acquire dead alligator. Step two: begin driving it somewhere. Step three: discover that this is illegal. Step four: place a sheet over it and continue driving. At no point in this sequence did either man suggest pulling over, disposing of the alligator, or reconsidering the plan from the beginning. The sheet, apparently, was the solution.

Florida has a great many laws about alligators. This is because Florida has a great many alligators. The two populations — humans and alligators — have been engaged in a long, complicated relationship in which the humans keep doing things like this and the alligators keep wandering into Walmarts and backyard pools. The system, such as it is, continues to function.

Buhl and Chadwick are awaiting arraignment. The alligator, already deceased, has no further comment.

Don’t take our word for it: News of the Weird has the full story. It is exactly as described.