CONFIRMED: Jesus Has Been Spotted at the White House Easter Lunch

We’ve been waiting years for an official White House Jesus sighting. It happened on April 1st. Yes, April Fool’s Day. We cannot stress enough that this is not a joke.

CONFIRMED: Jesus Has Been Spotted at the White House Easter Lunch

At a White House Easter lunch attended by over 100 faith leaders, Trump’s personal spiritual advisor Paula White-Cain stepped to the mic and compared the President of the United States to Jesus Christ. Specifically: “You were betrayed and arrested and falsely accused” — said to Donald Trump, in the East Room, on the record. She then drew a direct line from Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection to Trump’s political comeback.

The White House, apparently having a rare moment of self-awareness, quietly deleted the video from its website shortly after posting it.

The backlash was swift and came from all directions, including fellow Christians, who used words like “blasphemous,” “insanity,” and “morally dangerous.” Which are strong words for Easter Sunday, but here we are.

For the record: this site has been tracking Jesus sightings for years. Grilled cheese. Toast. Tree bark. A water stain in an underpass in Chicago. We’ve seen it all. But this is the first time the sighting has been confirmed by a White House official at a catered event.

The sighting is official. We’re logging it.

Don’t take our word for it: The Christian Post and The New Republic have the full story. The White House deleted the video, but the internet is forever.

JD Vance Is Writing a Book Called “Communion” and We Have Questions

The Vice President of the United States — a man theoretically responsible for being one heartbeat away from running the free world — has announced a new memoir. It’s called Communion: Finding My Way Back to Faith. It comes out in June. It’s 304 pages. He wrote it while in office.

JD Vance Is Writing a Book Called “Communion” and We Have Questions

Let’s start with the title. Communion. As in the ritual where Catholics consume the body and blood of Jesus Christ. The man is naming his political positioning document after eating Jesus. We respect the commitment to the bit.

The book chronicles Vance’s spiritual journey: raised Christian, became an atheist, converted to Catholicism in 2019. Which means in the span of a few years, JD Vance went from “God isn’t real” to “actually, God is real AND I eat him on Sundays.” That’s a journey. That’s a whole thing.

This is, obviously, a 2028 presidential campaign launch in book form. The playbook is older than the Eucharist itself: write faith memoir, hit the speaking circuit, run for president. We’ve seen this movie. We know how it ends.

What we haven’t seen before is a sitting Vice President publishing a book while actively in office, while the country is at war with Iran, while eight million people just marched in the streets. But sure. 304 pages about finding Jesus. Totally normal. Carry on.

The sighting is confirmed: Jesus has appeared in the political memoir of the Vice President of the United States. Again.

We did not make this up. CNN and Euronews have the receipts.

Vultures Led Cops to a Suitcase Full of Human Remains at a Place Called “The Compound”

Only in Florida does a murder investigation begin with a wildlife tip.

Vultures lead cops to human remains in suitcase at The Compound

Palm Bay, Florida. A 19-year-old named Lucas Sander Jones allegedly did what any reasonable person does when faced with a body disposal problem: stuffed the remains into suitcases and left them in a remote area of the city known — wait for it — as The Compound.

Here’s where it gets very Florida: police didn’t find the suitcases on their own. The vultures found them first. Officers responding to the scene “encountered vultures swarming around an abandoned suitcase.” The birds just… led them there. Nature’s detectives. Working for free. Probably not the first time they’ve done this.

Lucas is now facing charges of tampering with evidence, abuse of a dead human body, and improper disposal of human remains. Not murder charges, mind you — just the “you really botched the cover-up” charges.

The Compound. Vultures. A teenager. Suitcases. Florida is not even trying to hide what it is anymore. And honestly? We respect the consistency.

The birds knew. The birds always know.

Don’t take our word for it: WPXI has the full story. It’s exactly as described.

8 Million People Said “No Kings” on the Day We Celebrate a Guy Who Rode Into Jerusalem to Say Exactly That

On March 28th — Palm Sunday, for those keeping score — an estimated eight million Americans took to the streets in what organizers are calling the largest single-day protest in American history. The protest was called “No Kings.”

8 million people No Kings protest Palm Sunday

Palm Sunday, in case you need the refresher, is the day Christians commemorate Jesus riding into Jerusalem on a donkey, specifically to confront the ruling political and religious establishment of his time. He was making a point. They crucified him for it five days later.

We’re not saying anything. We’re just noting the date.

The protests spanned all 50 states, plus Italy, France, Germany, and Spain. Demonstrators cited the Iran war, ICE enforcement operations, and the general vibe of watching democracy do something weird in slow motion. In West Palm Beach — Florida, naturally — Trump supporters showed up to clash with protesters, because of course they did.

Bruce Springsteen performed at the flagship rally in Minnesota. Because apparently even The Boss knows when it’s time to ride into Jerusalem.

The irony is almost too clean to be accidental. Eight million people, on the holiest week in the Christian calendar, marching under the banner of “No Kings” — echoing the words of a guy who got executed by an empire for doing exactly the same thing two thousand years ago.

Rational thought: sometimes it shows up on a Sunday, wearing sandals, riding a donkey.

All of this actually happened. Eight million people. Palm Sunday. Make of that what you will.

Wild Pig Reminds Us Jesus Was Jewish

People seem to conveniently forget that Jesus was Jewish.  He almost certainly kept Kosher, or whatever the dietary rules were at the time.  And, in the small Polish city of Ruda Slaska, a wild Board decided to voice his dis-pleasure to the bacon eating folks in the town church.

"Fortunately, they managed to quickly scare the boar away, and no one got injured," a police official said, adding that the animal smashed two vases and broke an effigy of Jesus Christ during its rampage.

Now, I applaud the “unholy beast” for his attempt at civil disobedience, but the fact remains that bacon is meat candy, and if God wanted us to be vegetarians, he wouldn’t have made animals out of meat.

Total Eclipse 2017

With all the total bullshit we post and expose on this site, here’s a post about hard physical science.

I took my kids to Oregon to witness the total solar eclipse and it was spectacular. It is not really even describable and no picture truly does it justice. But, here’s picture I took anyway.

R.I.P. Robin Williams

As I sit here unable to sleep, again, I have finally realized that the death of Robin Williams has affected me more than I could have possibly imagined. And, it’s not because of the cause of his death. It’s because I never knew the man, but this event has cemented my definition of immortality.

Lauren Bacall passed away the next day, completing the latest “they come in threes”. And, why is it they come in threes? I can only imagine a couple versions Robin may have come up with:

  • [singing] Because one is the loneliest number…
  • It sure beats being #2 (yes, that’s a poop joke)
  • Because the celestial taxi system that ferries souls to heaven is having a fuel shortage, so they have to carpool. And, the first two get impatient real quick. “C’mon, fucking DIE already. St. Peter is waiting…I’m gonna miss my galactic neru massage! Hurry it up already!”

OK…that last one maybe a little more George Carlin. But, that’s where Robin took things and that’s why we laughed our asses off.

As a kid, I used to memorize Robins routines and perform them for my family. I am a decent mimic, and I would study his mannerisms and delivery. And, even as second hand, recycled comedy, his routines would bring the house down. I think I caused a few asthma attacks even.

I guess this is where I actually started to learn that knowing your audience is key, and that when appropriate, don’t hold back…speak what needs to be spoken…which is most of the time.

And, now I see all these celebrities being interviewed and they have nothing but glowing remembrances of Robin. Jeff Bridges, who starred with Robin in The Fisher King actually took several minutes at the big press panel for his new movie to remember his time with Robin. Watching him turn around and look at Meryl Streep and fondly recall Robin dragging his ass on the ground in Central Park at 4am saying “You know why dogs do this? Because they can!” was incredible. And, over his other shoulder was Taylor Swift with a look like “I am never ever ever ever doing a press panel with this guy again.” (if you get that joke then good for you.)

Someone in New York should organize this as an annual event. The annual “Robin Williams Because They Can Central Park Naked Ass Drag.” How awesome would that be to see 100,000 people all dragging their asses like dogs in the grass.

It reminded me of my Grandfather’s funeral…not the naked ass dragging (seriously…you thought those two were connected…what’s wrong with you?)…the people all coming out with amazing remembrances. I was a teenager, and to me a funeral was a family thing. And, then all these people showed up. And, I thought, uh…my family isn’t that big…or someone’s been lying to me. But, there they were. People I had never seen before in my life that all knew and or were touched by my grandfather in some way (not like that…get your head out of the gutter).

And, now Robin. People he didn’t even know, like me, are talking about how he touched them. Assuming that you aren’t a complete douche bag, you attempt to make your mark on this world while hopefully leaving it a slightly better place. If you are a total douche, please just leave…now…go…I’ll wait.

Robin made the world a better place. Dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, he walked into a sex shop and tried to buy a double headed dildo…just because. He made us look at the world around us with a slightly different perspective…warped…or not. He made us laugh.

THAT is immortality.